chellytastic’s blog

I love the Spill Canvas's newest CD... it's just so much better than the one before it... :]

'Allo there! It's been awhile, eh? Nothing too pressing has happened, except for today. I went to C Springs' 2nd Human Rights Fair and one of junior [now senior] army members Patrick had to be taken to UMC, some sort of seizure, I guess. I hope he's okay. But I saw my Malou-bear, Mister, and various other Junior-now-Seniors. And you know what else?

I talked to Janell.

Sure, Irene was there and all we talked about was the fair [since she hadn't been in yet] and just laughed for a bit, but still... I haven't spoken to her since... before graduation at least. Ughh.

I talked to Berti for over an hour yesterday; hella killed my minutes... but it was worth it. I love that girl. She thinks I'm hilarious and I think she's amazing. Apparently there was a FaceBook glitch for like an hour that showed you who visits your profile most often... Berti freaked out because she cyber-stalks this guy from her school. I was like "oh wow..." because I check Janell's profile every so often to see how she's doing. Creepy, yes. But, seriously, she's like an ex. Like I've said, you can be friends with your ex-boyfriend, but you can't be friends with your ex-best friends. Doi. Even Berti said that she and I broke up and it ended badly. But... I always have hope.

Anywaysssssssss

School is over. OMG. I have completed my first year of COLLEGE. Duuuuude. I'm so awesome! Well... compared to those who, like, didn't complete it. :-D
I'm a bit nervous about my ENG 102, since I didn't actually turn in my final paper but oh well. There's not much I can do now but wait and hope I didn't fail it. Or get an incomplete, whatever that is.

Online shopping will be the death of me. Hard frickin' core. It's a good thing I don't have a higher credit limit or I'd be SO screwed lol.

Ohhh mahhh gahhh I'm so bored. My eyes burn from wanting to be closed and resting. Sigh. My shift is over in about an hour and a half.

I'm moving out sometime soon. This Sunday is Andy's and my 2 year anniversary and we're probably not going to celebrate in the least bit. It makes me sad. But either the next Sunday or the Sunday after that, I'm going to be gone. We haven't discussed details. He doesn't really want to. I can understand why. It's just... I need to know. I need to get everything together. And I need to get a gad-danged job already. CVS would be awesome. Then I wouldn't have to shop online for stuff from there. :-D

Brrrrrrrrr. I'm not in a deep place in my mind to be writing. Much of this isn't really important. Hahahaha you read it! You should leave me a comment or something. Those are fun.

I'll update this more often. <333

Tegan and Sara has the ability to make me cry now. Damn it.

Things are getting difficult. For me at least. Yesterday sucked. I didn't know that you could want to punch a five-year-old girl so badly in the face and call her a bitch. Didn't know, didn't know.

Andy and I went downstairs yesterday to finally get food [at little after noon] and Chicha [aka Michelle, Little Michelle] came over to us and started saying some crazy things.

"You guys need to leave. You have to buy your own house 'cuz we don't want you anymore. You can't be here."

Yeah, shit like that. From my mini-me. There was more, but I can't really remember it well; I was incredibly angry.
Why?
Five-year-olds don't think and speak like that. They can't tell if someone should or shouldn't be somewhere. Meaning?
She heard it from someone else.
Like her parents perhaps.

I'm pissed but also really hurt. She's like my 2nd sister and she spews shit like that? It's like being slapped in the face while being stabbed in the back.

And now I'm contemplating... should I leave a week early? I was planning on the May30/June 1, but if this is the way it's going to be, then I won't stand for it. I'll just have to talk to my grandparents and Oscar about it and figure out if/how I'll be able to work that last week. It's possible, but I'm not sure how easy it'll be.

What a brat.
She doesn't even treat me like she used to. No more tiny around-the-knees hugs, no more of anything like that. Fucking bitch cunt parents.

And it really upsets me that Andy's not going to do anything about it. Not going to defend me or stand up for me. Not going to tell his mom what she said. Nothing. Is it so much to ask for a man who will defend your honor, dignity and all that? ::sigh...:: It seems so...

Other than that... Andy and I have been at each others' throats a bit. We go from 'haha yay' to 'omFg stFu.' It's getting physically difficult for me. My stomach is in knots and my bones ache at times. And I sneeze a lot, but I don't think that's from stressing out. =]

My head is starting to hurt and my eyes are blurring.
Byeeeeee <3

That's a good Panic song. I like them.

Oh goodness, there's been so much. Life-changing things first, eh?

I'm moving back in with my grandparents. I can't live with Andy and his family anymore. I don't want to. I won't do it. They're mean and inconsiderate and they don't want me. So, why impose myself? I plan on leaving on a Sunday while they're away. I'll be gone before they get home. Mwahaha!

It's a good idea. It's not a healthy environment. I gained weight and started stressing the hell out. I can't do it to myself anymore. Plus, Andy and I are getting, well, rocky, I guess you could say. The longer we're stressed at that fucking house the more we fight and the more I doubt our future.

I know I won't move back in with him until he has his goddamned car. I will not. Absolutely refuse. And I'm not going to let him tell me where I can and cannot go and what I can and cannot do. N.O. But see... when I leave, things have to change. He needs to change. I need to change. We need to grow the FUCK up. He needs to appreciate me. I need to learn to be more responsible. I have to get drive, motivation, and willpower and stop being scared all of the time. He needs to stop trying to own me. He needs to trust me. He needs to be considerate and caring. He also needs to grasp the concept of 'ours.' I won't live with him in HIS house. Or buy things with HIS money. It's going to be 'ours,' or I don't want anything to do with it.

I think that makes sense. If we're going to plan our life and children, we can't be selfish, but we can't forget ourselves either. We need to share and get along and chill the fuck out.

Ahh there's so much.

But. There's got to be change before I live with him again. He needs to learn. And I need to grow. I don't trust him, so he needs to build it. He refuses to trust me, but he better start, or I won't move in.

There can't be any asking for permission or forbidding the other. We need to make agreements and stick to them.

And Patty, stop fucking calling my man. If you can't wait to talk to him until the next DAY at work, give me your man's number and I'll call him everytime you call Andy. Wtf?

I'm sure you think I'm petty or irrational, and screw you. My mom validated my anger, so you telling me I'm overreacting will fall on deaf ears. Goddamn... I'm so paranoid. See, I just don't trust him!

I'm jealous and possessive and protective.
I also like to think I'm proactive and awesome but... I'm mostly just a control-freak. Yes, I admit that to myself. Like... ::sigh::

I don't know... I'm really excited to be moving back. I like being surrounded by people who love me. And I'm TOTALLY STOKED about being able to see my friends again without harsh limitations. I'm gonna learn to drive and people are going to come over and hang out.

The weekend or the next after I'm back I'm having a pool party. And then another one, like, every 2 or 3 weeks. SHIT YES. I want my fucking friends back. He tried to take them from me and keep me to hisself, but no longer. We're taking time apart. Physically, anyways. My world no longer has to revolve around him and his fucking parents. I'm going to take care of me and make sure I'm alright before I'm going to take care of anyone else.

Does this sound selfish? Stupid? Random adjective?
I'd like to know. It's like, I want your opinion, but I want them objective. And NON-judgmental, which is why I don't ask anymore much anymore.

Ashley said she sees Andy's and my relationship as 'abusive.' To a point, I totally agree. But at the same time... I don't know. I really don't. Don't know if it is one, and if it is, what I should do or try to fix it. I haven't the foggiest.

Well, this has only been one issue, but I'm feeling nauseous yet again, so I'm gonna go. I shall put this on xanga.

<33

You know, I don't write even half of the things that bother me, or amuse me, or utterly infuriate me. I just don't think about. I hear in my head how it would sound if I typed it out, but I never actually do it. Hmmm...

Perhaps later though... I get out in 10 minutes and I'm distracted.

Listen to Ashlee Simpson's new cd. It's awesome.

Indeed it is. Today's Andy's birthday. Happy 19th baby! But that's about the only good thing... and even that is tainted with drama. I'm not upset with him like I was last post. No, this feeling is much different. It's... penetrating sadness.

    This past weekend, I spent Friday evening and all Saturday with my grandparents. It was nice. I got to groom my doggies and get a night off from Andy and the kids. The best part was that he was fine with it and didn't throw a bitch fit. Even when I got home past 9 on Saturday night, he was fine. Playing Lego Star Wars with Calvin. We're about to go to bed and he tells me that he has bad news. Apparently while I was gone, his mom brought it upon herself to "clean" the bathroom that I'm responsible. Apparently it was so ghastly that she couldn't stand it, so she had to [supposedly] clean the bathroom, move my shit around in the shower, and change the towel on floor in front of the shower. Apparently I'm not keeping up with my end. Our dishes our uncleaned, our room is always dirty, and the bathroom, was an abomination, that is, until she stepped in and saved the day. Long, saddening story short, his parents had a talk with him, or rather, they talked AT him, and, we have three months to leave. :deep breath: [Ready?]

What the fuck, you cunt?! It was a Friday! You fucking KNEW I wasn't going to be home. You KNEW I wasn't going to be there to defend myself. You are a fucking cowardly bitch, just like your irresponsible prick of a husband. Is there where they'd say "After all the things we did for you?" What, complain, bitch, abandon, alienate, hate, or completely disregard me? But I'm a big girl, I couldn't give a FUCK about you or what you think of me. But how could you treat your oldest son like shit? Like he's some fucked up loser with no future? Goddamn, you have no appreciation for how hard he tries nor do you know how scared he is of you two. It's so sad.

    I can't even comprehend your family's dynamic, but all I know is that I WILL NOT raise my family like you tried to with yours. My children will love me, not fear speaking their minds to me or my husband. The total lack or affection and consideration found in your household won't be found in mine. And no man will ever dominate my life. It was getting that way,  but no more. If you fuck with me, be prepared. It won't be worth it in the end.

Back to the story. With that news hanging over, it hasn't been a happy week. But yesterday was great! We did our school thing, Andy and I, and then we went to the mall [yet again] and it was enjoyable. There was laughing and spending and it was truly fun. I had ordered Andy's birthday gift last week and it was delivered Tuesday, and since we weren't going to be home tonight, I was going to give it to him when we got home.

We got home. I went to Calvin's closet where it was hidden, and it was gone. Wth?
Gone? An envelope with my name on it, gone? What? Where? I didn't understand. I still don't. Why would they take something like that? Why? It had my name on it. It wasn't for them. It was for Andy. It was his gift. I bought it for him. WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?! DO YOU REALLY FUCKING HATE ME THAT MUCH THAT YOU HAVE TO STEAL MY MAIL? Needless to say, Andy was sad; he was really looking forward to playing his new game [whichever one it was]. I, on the other hand, was a weird mixture of being furious beyond all belief and feeling like I has just been slapped in the face by my grandmother. It was odd. And I didn't like it.

Sigh. And the kicker. When Andy and I got out of the shower this morning, we got in the room, and there was the envelope. The one with his gift in it. The one with my name on it. From gamestop.com. On our bed. Open. God. Damn. Mother. Fuckers.

I hate them. I hate them so much. And no one knows what happened. No one even fucking cared. A package hidden in a closet disappears and all they can say is, "Nu-uh." Well fuck you too.

As you can tell, I'm really having a hard time these days. I've been cursing like a sailor for over a week. It actually started last Wednesday. You know the nasty post below this one? Yeah, last Wednesday. Ugh I don't wanna get into that again.

Tonight is Tegan & Sara and I plan to have a kick ass time. I love them!! And Death Cab is always a nice treat. Ugh. I'm just going to try to calm down. I'm always anxious and nervous and worried and scared. It's time to CHILL.

Andy, you're in trouble. I'm upset with you. Furious. Livid.
You're an inconsiderate, uncaring, disgusting liar and a coward.

Or at least that's what I think of you right now.
25 minutes ago, I wasn't half this upset.

You're grounded.
Fuck your 'friends.'

If I can't go, neither can you.
I don't trust you.

The same way you don't trust me,
I no longer trust you.

Hear that asshole! TRUST!
I don't FUCKING TRUST YOU.

You've been giving me nothing but blank expressions and a stomach ache almost all week. I'm tired of it and I'm sick of you. If you don't need my permission, then I sure as FUCKING hell don't need yours.

I don't get it. You always fuck up riiiiight before your birthday. I just bought your gift. I just got the tickets for the show arranged. Why should I celebrate your life when all you do is cause me pain and sickness? Why do you deserve the good things when you're so bad? And why the FUCK is your dad going to kick me out when you were the one who couldn't pick up the FUCKING phone.

I hate you right now. Maybe you should kick me out. I'm tired of being your mom, taking care of you, keeping you safe. It's my turn asshole. Start loving me and treating me the way you should, or things are going to be over before you say cinco de mayo.

Keep digging yourself deeper and deeper. Next time you'll sleep outside, instead of the couch.

AHH!

Rough weekend, let me tell you. Whew!

But first things first. I forgot to mention that Friday night/Saturday morning i have another dream about being friends with Janell again. It was a good dream though. I just don't remember it. It was awhile ago. But, uh, yeah.

...

Just did paper. Not very satisfying. But should it be, filling up 8 printers or so shouldn't be fulfilling. W/e.

Meh I'm not concentrating.
I'll post later.

So... I had yet another dream about Janell and us becoming friends again. I really don't know what to do or what any of this means. I think I just want my black indie goddess sister back. Mehhhh.

Anyways... I've been thinking lately. Trying to comprehend some things. For example, what would the music world be like if Jim Morrison or Janice Joplin hadn't died? What about Kurt Cobain or John Lennon? Just one of those weird questions I have floating around my head lately. I mentioned it to Andy and he promptly shut me down. He's good at that. GRR. He's pissing me off today. I'm not sure what it is but everything he says something stupid I just wanna cuss him out. I haven't, of course, but still. He makes me angry right now.

I got paid todayyyyyy. And they actually took taxes out of it this time. Score. I make the moneys! Sure, he gets paid tomorrow, but I still kick ass. Whoo!

My head, neck, and shoulders are uncomfortable today. I think I'm going to go. Let's see what I dream of tonight, eh?
<33

Indeed it is Monday and I am at work. Weird day. Woke up really sleepy. We went to bed late. Watching "Pirates," the highest budgeted porno, like, ever. It was okay, I guess. Like it was hott, but I couldn't hear the dialog since it was really late in the night, but the story seems okay. At least the chicks are really hot hahaha.

Saturday, Andy and I hung out with Charles. It was enjoyable. We drove all the way to St. George, Utah to eat at the Denny's on Main Street that my grandparents and I used to go to almost every year that we went to Colorado. Good times. Then we drove around St. George, looking for something to do. And since we found nothing comparable with the Vegas, we drove home. We seriously got back in a little over an hour. Charles is the new speed racer. He's fun. :]

Sunday we did nothing. At least that I can recall. Watched movies and got sweaty. Mehehehe.

Today, well, it was really fine. Turns out I'm HELLA kicking ass in Anthropology, and that made me really happy and energetic. Then Andy played a 'joke' on me and essentially crushed my entire spirit. But I got it back and I'm feeling good. Andy left his keys for work in Charles' car, so Charles brought them over and he's here now, keeping Andy company until I get done working. Yeah, he didn't go to work today because he was a sniffle-y and coughing and sneeze-y this morning. He said he was sick, even though I know it's just a touch of allergies. Whatev. It was good to have him with me today though, even though he broke my heart a little.

Ashley reads my vox. Hi Ashley!!!

Alma got a Facebook. THAT makes me really really happy. Really really.

My tummy's kinda sore and I need to take my break. Word.

Hope you're having a great day. I'm sure I'll post something of more substance some time or another. Byeee :]