Do you know what I'm seeing?

That's a good Panic song. I like them.

Oh goodness, there's been so much. Life-changing things first, eh?

I'm moving back in with my grandparents. I can't live with Andy and his family anymore. I don't want to. I won't do it. They're mean and inconsiderate and they don't want me. So, why impose myself? I plan on leaving on a Sunday while they're away. I'll be gone before they get home. Mwahaha!

It's a good idea. It's not a healthy environment. I gained weight and started stressing the hell out. I can't do it to myself anymore. Plus, Andy and I are getting, well, rocky, I guess you could say. The longer we're stressed at that fucking house the more we fight and the more I doubt our future.

I know I won't move back in with him until he has his goddamned car. I will not. Absolutely refuse. And I'm not going to let him tell me where I can and cannot go and what I can and cannot do. N.O. But see... when I leave, things have to change. He needs to change. I need to change. We need to grow the FUCK up. He needs to appreciate me. I need to learn to be more responsible. I have to get drive, motivation, and willpower and stop being scared all of the time. He needs to stop trying to own me. He needs to trust me. He needs to be considerate and caring. He also needs to grasp the concept of 'ours.' I won't live with him in HIS house. Or buy things with HIS money. It's going to be 'ours,' or I don't want anything to do with it.

I think that makes sense. If we're going to plan our life and children, we can't be selfish, but we can't forget ourselves either. We need to share and get along and chill the fuck out.

Ahh there's so much.

But. There's got to be change before I live with him again. He needs to learn. And I need to grow. I don't trust him, so he needs to build it. He refuses to trust me, but he better start, or I won't move in.

There can't be any asking for permission or forbidding the other. We need to make agreements and stick to them.

And Patty, stop fucking calling my man. If you can't wait to talk to him until the next DAY at work, give me your man's number and I'll call him everytime you call Andy. Wtf?

I'm sure you think I'm petty or irrational, and screw you. My mom validated my anger, so you telling me I'm overreacting will fall on deaf ears. Goddamn... I'm so paranoid. See, I just don't trust him!

I'm jealous and possessive and protective.
I also like to think I'm proactive and awesome but... I'm mostly just a control-freak. Yes, I admit that to myself. Like... ::sigh::

I don't know... I'm really excited to be moving back. I like being surrounded by people who love me. And I'm TOTALLY STOKED about being able to see my friends again without harsh limitations. I'm gonna learn to drive and people are going to come over and hang out.

The weekend or the next after I'm back I'm having a pool party. And then another one, like, every 2 or 3 weeks. SHIT YES. I want my fucking friends back. He tried to take them from me and keep me to hisself, but no longer. We're taking time apart. Physically, anyways. My world no longer has to revolve around him and his fucking parents. I'm going to take care of me and make sure I'm alright before I'm going to take care of anyone else.

Does this sound selfish? Stupid? Random adjective?
I'd like to know. It's like, I want your opinion, but I want them objective. And NON-judgmental, which is why I don't ask anymore much anymore.

Ashley said she sees Andy's and my relationship as 'abusive.' To a point, I totally agree. But at the same time... I don't know. I really don't. Don't know if it is one, and if it is, what I should do or try to fix it. I haven't the foggiest.

Well, this has only been one issue, but I'm feeling nauseous yet again, so I'm gonna go. I shall put this on xanga.

<33