Posts (page 2)

I really fucking miss you, you know.
I want to fucking talk to you.
I really fucking miss what we had.

You were one of my best friends, goddamnit.
You were practically my fucking sister.

FUCK!
I really just fucking miss talking to you about everything.
I miss laughing.
Hell, I even miss just laughing at our old inside jokes.

Damn you Janell Witherspoon.
Damn you.
Damn you.

What do you think is too serious to joke around about?

Rape.
Rape isn't funny.
I have a boyfriend. We have sex. I know the feelings and sensations, good and bad.
When people talk about rape, I can't help but imagine those feelings of love and pleasure being ripped away from me. The intimacy and passion torn, severed, slashed, broken, mangled... taken away from me.
It would hurt. Physically, emotionally.
Essentially, it would steal my essence of my femininity. Being able to have children [at one time or another] defines being a woman, and when that beautiful part of the body is violated and violently hurt, it would be devastating. It would hurt and almost destroy who I am at the deepest core.

People say it's funny until it happens to you or someone you know. Well, I don't know anyone. It has not happened to me. I still don't think it's funny.
And I don't think it ever will be.

Oh, and by the boys, women are never asking for it.
No matter how much of a slut they look, or how skanky they act, no women wants their mind and body ruined by your... malice.

This is my answer to the question of the day.

Ahh RBD. Good concert, good times.

Interesting Easter. Actually, it pretty much kicked ass until the end. I went to Mass with my grandparents, saw all my adoring fans at church [all the old people LOVE me], spent the day with my family. It was nice. I seriously talked so much that by the end of the day, I had a sore throat and a hoarse voice. I'm not joking. I don't even get sore throats from screaming at concerts. But talking all day did. I realize now that I really enjoy talking. I really really do. Hmm.

Yeah, I talked to my brother more Sunday than I have all year. He's messing up his High School years. He's failing and taking stupid classes. I really hope that I talked at least a little sense into him. He just doesn't care. About much of anything. Just getting an Xbox 360. Whatever. Then we talked about books. For a really long time. First all about Harry Potter. I'm so glad he's become such a big fan. The boy needs to read more. He doesn't realize that it's good for him and it makes him smart. It made me how I am. And I kick ass ;] Then we talked about other books and some really cool ones he could read that I've already read. Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child are amazing. One of the best writing teams EVER. I also told him about Daniel Brown and Angels and Demons and the DaVinci Code. I so hope he tries it out. I really really do.

Then I got home in a great mood and found Andy just playing with the PS3 and also in a good mood. But then we went to bed and started talking and then things went wrong. Saturday night I was thinking out loud and was said I wonder if my dentist and my doctor took his insurance and that we should make appointments for him since it's been awhile since he's been to either of them. I said that and he yelled at me, saying Dont you tell me what to do!!! I teared up and left the room. Well, I asked him why he freaked out about that, I tell him what to do all the time. He said that how he took it I meant that his teeth were fucked up and he needed to get them fixed at my dentist. I was like... OMG NO!  That's soooo not what I meant. I told his this and he's like "Yeah, you telling me that what like me telling you that I signed you up for Jenny Craig because you're fat."

... What?! Immediate tears. I know no one other than me who's so sensitive to being called fat by people they love [which shouldn't happen in the first place, right?]. I was crying and I told him that all I wanted was to make sure that he was healthy. Then he said the worst thing to me possible. He said, "Well, being obese isn't healthy."

I started sobbing and went to the bathroom. I stared at myself in the mirror for the longest time. Obese? Really? I know I'm not skinny, or even average... but obese? Way to kick a girl when she's down... I told myself the only way I'd forgive him is if he came to the bathroom door and apologize. I was in there for over 10 minutes. I went back to the room and he was asleep. I got in bed and he woke up as said HI. I asked him if he knew why I was mad. He said no. I told him and then I slept on the floor until I started freezing to death.

He's apologized a few times for that but... it hurts. It will never go away. It's like you went to the doctor and got diagnosed with a skin disease called Uglinitis and I called you ugly, and you protested, and I said well the doctor said you are!

Sigh. I don't know if anyone understands why what he said hurt. All I know is that I did. And he can apologize all he wants, but I'm never going to forget it.

I'm at work btw. I get off in 27 minutes. Andy never responded to my emails. It sucks. I'm running out of things to do, thus why I'm here. Whatever.

We're getting Cox Digital Cable! I've never had cable before. It's tight. We're getting like all the channels too. All of them except the Starz package. No one likes Starz. Hmmm... I'm gonna go. I'm getting distracted. <3

You know, I really am a Tegan & Sara fan. Those girls are amazing. I put a song there. I have no idea if it will work. We'll see though, eh?

We did indeed finish Beerfest last night. Enjoyable for the most part. Then we started LiLo's I Know Who Killed Me. Freaking retarded. Stigmata? Really, now. Don't watch it if you never have. It deservingly received those Razzie Awards.

Tomorrow is Easter and I'm going to spend it with the family and without Andy. I wish he understood how much him going to things like these would mean to me. And if he did know, I wish he'd care. I wish, for once, he'd do something for me, whether he wanted to do it or not. I feel unappreciated and used. But if I tell him this, he just tells me I'm with him for his money and that I used him for sex and money. Ooooh-kay. I'd go into details, but no one wants them. Unless you do. Bleh. I like talking about sex. I just wish someone else who has experience wanted to talk about it to. Hell, even someone without any. Oh well. I'll be fine. Somethings just shouldn't be said out loud.

ANYWAYS...
We're probably not going to do anything today. Watch the rest of the movies we have. If you ever want to watch something really weird and confusing, see the movie Southland Tales. It has a great cast; the Rock, Sarah Michelle Gellar, like 5 people from SNL, Justin freakin Timberlake, and a whole mess of recognizable faces. But seriously, it's by the guy who made Donnie Darko, so you know right off hand that it's not going to make any sense on the first watch. But if you want to sit there and go, "Uh... what?" then go for it.

How do I get such movies? Netflix mah nigga. Any 6 movies at a time, unlimited, for $40 a month. I don't think that's too much. It's well worth it. And since movies come to DVD faster and faster, one doesn't even need to go to the movies anymore. That kinda sucks, I admit, but when going to the movies is like $25 bucks a pop, Netflix works out.

OMG I love Tegan and Sara. I will seriously post every single song on here just so you can all experience it.

I smell funny. Time to shit, shower, and shave. Or rather just shower. Hooray shampoo!
<3

I made it home. It seems we're going to California next Saturday to pick up Michelle and Marlyn. That's cool I guess. Andy's uncle and two cousins are coming too. I guess that's fine; they're nice guys, as far as I know. So long as fricking Michelle doesn't throw up on me again. That'd be nice if she didn't.

Today's Good Friday, and for it being the day Jesus died, it sure was nice out today. But Andy pointed something out to me. Yesterday was kinda gloomy, and if it weren't for that leap year day, it would have been cloudy today. Curse you leap year!

But anyways... work was alright. I've been a NeoPets geek lately since I've had nothing else to do. I've got over 100 G's in the bank. It's perty tight.

So for the last hour or so, I've been trying to get some and Andy;s been fucking around withe PlayStation 3.  I just want some attention dammit. Now we're going to finish Beerfest. It's entertaining, I suppose. I want to watch some Invader Zim or something. And then go downstairs and eat some more of Andy's mom's kick ass food. I love me some camarrones. That means shrimps. I like shrimps.

I'm not sure why I logged on.Bye :]

I've got Love Song in my head. Not too sure why, I don't even particularly like that song. Curse you Mix 94.1! Ahem.

This is VOX, eh? I think I might just like it more than Xanga. It's fancy and new [to me] and I think I'm going to try to be as honest as I can be. I think I'm going to try? Wow, that was committed. How about, I'm going to be as honest as possible in this blog-thing. Here I go.

I want what I want, and I want it now. But, I also want it when it's the most financially appropriate. What?! I want things, like a Wii and yet another iPod. Shit, I want to FUCKING move out of Andy's parents' house. I want to be friendly. I want more friends. I want to lose fucking 50+ pounds. I want some goddamn drive, determination and will power. But none of these things I have, or have done.

I've lost, oh, 10 pounds or so in the last month. But it wasn't really me. It's the pills I'm taking. Yup, that's right. I taking medication to lose weight. Then again I got it from my doctor and I go to see her once a month to check my progress [or lack thereof] and my blood pressure, so really, it's not that bad. I'm not on crack, just phentermine. Chill.
You see, I feel huge. I feel nasty. I feel uncomfortable. But I know I can be better. I know it. I know Andy would be so proud of me. I want/need him to be happy for me/proud of me. I need to be comfortable with myself. I'm not. But... I have no will power whatsoever. I can tell myself that I'm going to do 100 crunches everynight before bed but that doesn't mean at all that it's going to happen. I can sit in the lobby of the gym for 20 minutes, but that doesn't mean I'm actually going to go in.

--sigh--

The thing about growing up is that you stop getting what you want when you want it. Seems pretty obvious, I know, but it doesn't really hit you until you're out on your own, wanting things, and not being able to get them because there are more important things to consider.

A word of caution to all college-bound seniors. Do NOT mess up your first semester, because it's damn easy to do, and difficult to fix. It isn't high school, where you can just take it senior year with the other freshies. In college, you just wasted $400+ and now you need to make it up with another $400+. To future UNLV students: if you fail ONE class your first semester, you will loose millennium for the next semester. And when it's time for next semester, you will need to take the full 12 credit load plus the 3 or so credits you didn't attain last semester. If you have substantial financial aide, you NEED to make up those 3 credits or you will LOSE that aide. And if you don't get a 2.75 GPA or higher, you still won't get the millennium back. And if you do get it back, and loose it again, you can NEVER get it back again. Fucking up is for high school. Don't take things for granted in college, because there you can loose them.

Shit, did that sound bitter or what?! Yes, it did happen to me. And I don't want it to happen to anyone else. It sucks. Alot.

I really don't want to post anymore. I don't think this really has a point. Not like anyone's going to read it. Except maybe Crissy, since she's the only other person I know and like with a VOX. W/e.